Sunday, December 7, 2008

One Lump, or Several?

I can't remember the last time that I'd had a good night's sleep.
By good, I'm referring to sleeping a whole night through, not waking in the middle of it and fighting to return to sleep, or waking at three in the morning and never being able to get to sleep until I collapse the following night.
I tend to worry a lot.
Trapped in my own head, I get very anxious and nervous about anything and everything in my life that appears to be a problem to me that can snowball into a bigger problem.

Recently, the car that I'd been driving just died on me. It's been overheating and causing me to pull over and wait for it to cool down, just long enough to get driving again and have it repeat the process. I believe that it may either be a warped head, allowing air to get into to cooling system, or a blown head gasket doing the same.
In either case, the result would cost more than the car is worth.
I've already had to pour money into it that I just couldn't afford, putting off paying bills that need to be paid, and on one occasion, paying my rent late.

A few hundred dollars for new rear brake lines. A must for any automobile owner who prefers stopping to the alternative method of either hitting something soft, or cutting holes in the floor and stopping a la Bedrock. Another hundred and a half for tires to replace the ones that were balding, constantly losing air pressure and either going completely flat, or showing steel tread in a very dangerous fashion. A new thermostat, a pressure relief fitting for the top of the radiator line, oil, antifreeze, transmission fluid, and last but not least, a bottle of brake fluid.

I'd hoped that this car would last me long enough to overcome the unemployment and get a new job, helping me to save some money and buy not necessarily a new car, but a car in better shape than this one.

I have to go to a 'buy here, pay here' style dealership. See if I can't put down a hundred dollars of this month's rent money, and drive off of the lot with a car today.
If I can, I'll replace what's taken out with the money that unemployment will automatically deposit into my account after I've registered over the telephone and let them know that I'm still unemployed.

In Leadership and Organizational Theory, this is referred to as a Utilitarian Lifestyle. One that solves the problems of today, just barely getting by, only to see what the next day holds and solve those problems when they arrive.

It makes me feel like a noose is constantly around my neck and getting tighter.
My chest is always tight now. I can feel the fact that I have a cold and that there's phlegm in my respiratory system.
I'd love to go and see a doctor, but I haven't received my card from the State yet that entitles me to free health care. More than a doctor's visit, I'd like to be employed right now. A steady paycheck would afford me a little piece of mind and some wiggle room to plan any sort of rebound from this unemployed excursion.

Whining about it isn't going to do any good.
I have to put on a brave face and keep my fingers crossed when going to the dealership today. I need a car to not only get my daughter to her mother's house, but also to have for potential job interviews, getting to the grocery store and a whole host of things that the public transportation system just won't allow for.

On top of all of this, my son went and got his first Christmas tree yesterday.
I wasn't there.
IT wouldn't have hurt so much, if I knew that I could have returned home and seen the tree and his mother at the end of the day, but that's just not going to work.
She hates me so much that she implies to people in her own blog that she's engaged by telling them that she has a big rock on her finger already, tells people about all of the words that he's saying and leaves out 'Dah Dah' from his reported vocabulary, and seems to constantly be upset with me no matter what it is that I try to do.

Good example; I'm told that I don't love my son, that I'm not a part of his life as much as I should be. She lives to the North East of Boston and I live on the South Coast. I call as much as I can, but a lot of my phone calls go ignored or unanswered.
It's obvious that I'm being punished and tortured, that's not to say that I'm crying poor me. It's just that I realize it, and have to weather it out and take my lumps like a man. I've very plainly done some serious things that have wounded her so much, that she feels the need to make me hurt as much, if not more, than she does.

It's odd. I'm told that she's at a knitting group, that she's going out with her friends, one of which I'm VERY insecure about because they've dated in the past, he cheats on his wife, and is rich. They also share common interests and talk and email. A lot.
I accept it all with a huge grain of salt. It's another lump I have to take, but it hurts and I need to make it known that it does.
Yet, when I mention my friends, one of which is a girl, there's jealousy and more infliction of pain and anger.
The day that my son got his first Christmas tree, I was supposed to visit him and give him his birthday present, which I could have given him on his birthday, but there was a huge miscommunication between me and his mother and it didn't work out.
But the day that I was supposed to come up and visit, I'd let her know that I couldn't because of the car and lack of other transportation and she'd let me know that they were going out for a Christmas tree.
Which is commonly an all day, or most of the day event.
Leads me to think that I was never wanted there in the first place and that there was never really any interest in me going to see him at all.

I'm getting conflicting readings over the whole situation.
I see that she's angry and that I've hurt her. Yet, there are times where she seems to want me in her life, and others where she wants nothing to do with me.
I understand that there's angry blood between us, I just wish that she could decide if it was going to move forward, or not move at all. It's rough because I really do love her. She's a great woman. Smart, beautiful and definitely someone that I could see being a better person for and with. I just hurt a lot over the stupidity that I've caused for myself out of selfishness and anger.

I've made two Christmas wishes this year.
One was for a job that I could sink my teeth into and make a life out of. The other was to have her back in my life forever as my partner and significant other.

Here's to hoping good things happen today.

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