Dear Job Search Sites,

When I signed up for your services, I was under the impression that you would not only find me some sweet jobs in my field, but that you might also offer me some related jobs and hopefully land me one in the same.
Had I known that I would be receiving all sorts of emails every day, offering me jobs in India and fraudulent 'work from home' opportunities, I really wouldn't have wasted my time.
In short, I and many others out there in unemployment land are qualified, ready, willing and able to jump behind the plow and earn for companies and employers that are searching for us and sort consider it an insult that you're not doing your job as it was intended.
It's like a matchmaker who is supposed to find me the ideal woman and in turn only gives me the best salsa recipe I've ever had.
I'm disappointed in all of you and you should all hang your heads in shame. I see the same jobs stay on your sites after they've been filled, I see the same jobs between all of you that all won't respond when I've applied to them.
I know that I'm good enough for them, I'd just like to read that the position is filled, or that someone fresh out of college will work for less. At least then, I would have a bit more faith in all of you.
To that end, I pose a suggestion to all of you.
IF you were to liberally coat one of your hands with Vaseline and with your free hand direct your outtie organs from your waist to the opening at just about the same height in the back, after you've greased it up with said Vaseline, I would greatly appreciate it.
I've been working the system long enough and HATE that I have to rely on Social programs to live. I consider it a smack in the face that your companies receive money for the ads along the borders of the pages that I click through and literally pray that I'll apply to something that will grant me enough money to pay for this month's rent and hopefully a little something to distract my children from the fact that as qualified as I am, I can't seem to get employed. No matter the number of applications and follow ups that I do.
I may have to become a soldier again and give up my pen and it breaks my heart. I have more to offer my children and the world than a ready rifle in a weaver stance and a body to throw on the pile fighting a war based on misguided principles, shoddy intelligence and political gains.

Lucky?

Well, I've still been scratching and clawing at making things work for me and trying to get me to be able to work for someone else.
I recently had some opportunities to brush off the old designing cobwebs and do some design work.
Started small, with a card for a baby shower for some friends, and then a logo for a production company for another friend, then all of sudden, I'm busy for a few days designing logos for a landscaping company, then for an insurance company, and hopefully more logos get to come my way soon!
It's be nice if I could make a living out of designing logos from the comfort of my home and get paid well for it!
On any other front besides the job front though, I'm falling short. I spend a lot of days in my city walking at the park, or downtown, or just in my apartment talking to people on line as I look for more work. Thumbs down.
I'm ignored by Keri constantly, I got to see Matt for the first time in three months two weeks ago and haven't spoken to him since.
I'm slowly getting depressed, but I can't give up hope. I can only regain momentum and energy and reach higher instead of getting down.
It sucks really bad, but what can I do but try higher?

Unlucky at Labor.

The month has not been kind to me.
I've been rejected from jobs that I am indeed over qualified for, for jobs that I am under qualified for, and for the jobs where I meet the qualifications, no notice at all.
Let me just say that the business world is full of people that are not only unprofessional, but also downright mean and liars.
I've not been accepted to one job which would have not only paid me well, but would have also made me feel like I would have been making a difference in the world. Why? Because the last job that I had, the one which laid me off and told me on my way out the door that they would gladly give me a reference and anything else that I'd needed to get another job, don't hesitate to ask, never gave me a reference, even though I'd asked. Several times. A job which I'd had in Georgia? The President, the slovenly overweight and sexually harassing degenerate who brought me to a point in my life where I would consider going over the desk at another human being rather than keeping my composure, a man who I'd saved time and time again with technical trouble shooting, standing in the way when he'd yell at my boss for mistakes she'd make, and a guy who'd told me that whatever I needed, don't hesitate to ask, not only wouldn't give me a reference, but when I got the weasel on the phone, he told me he'd had a conference call and could I please call him back later. Which put me to voicemail as soon as I did.
A security job, which my military experience puts me as a shoe in for, was not given to me, because the company that was offering me the job, lost four or five big contracts and had to lay off seventy five percent of its work force.
The applications that I've been putting in, everywhere, are going unanswered.
I know that my unemployment benefits will run out soon. What then?
I'm an ex soldier, a college graduate, an accomplished graphic designer, and a very hard worker. So, where can I get a job that I haven't already applied for?
I need something to fall from the sky at this point.
I'm sure a lot of people do as well.

Updating the Jobs Searchings

Well, a New Year brings about new opportunities and frankly, a new outlook on the future. As far as the job searching goes, its coming down to the wire. Seriously.
I've applied for all manner of social programs and am waiting to hear back on food stamps, health care and fuel assistance.
I'm having to restrain myself when I'd like to snack on whatever I have in the house, because I'm really not sure when I'll be able to go grocery shopping again. That in mind, I have to feed my daughter when she comes each weekend, so she's a bit more important than me when she gets here. I'm trying to be stronger as this new year starts up and its rough. I'd like to ask everyone for help and see who helps, but I just can;t bring myself to do it. I talked with Keri a while back and she had asked if I had food.
I was happy that she voiced her concern, it showed me that she cared about me on some level, but I just wasn't really too comfortable with trying to prove to her that I could take care of myself and all it took was her help. Plus, I had enough food and was planning steadily and rationing it all.
A few weeks later, even though I can't foresee making it through more than three days with the amount of food that I have in the house, I still wouldn't tell her that I'm down on my luck. It's not that I want to mislead her, or that I want her pity. I love her, I just can't see taking her help when I'm sure that she's facing hard times as well.

The job situation is looking promising and going slow as it does. I've interviewed with two potential places and was offered a second interview with one of them. The first is a security firm that was interesting and I loved it. I would like to work for them, i just have to follow up once a week and let them know that I'm still interested in the position, then maybe I might get a job with them.

The second job was at a residential treatment facility for teens. Sounds great for my pocket and great for my soul too. I have a second interview and am pretty excited about it and its near the house too, which makes it a lot more exciting.

Of course, having only a few bucks in my bank account and rent, utilities and cable due dull that excitement just a bit.
and I still can't figure Keri out. One minute she's interested in me and wants to pay attention, the next she's blowing off my phone calls to Matt and acting angry at me. I'm sick, literally. I have some sort of virus and it sucks. There's only so much that one person can deal with before they just want to chuck it all and stop fighting. I can only regret so much and say that I'm sorry and that I love her so many times. Tell her that I was wrong and how much I appreciate her.

Whatever.

Belated Christmas Gifts

Today went pretty well.
Counting my blessings, I got a phone call for a job interview in the morning. Even if it was from a company that has some shady online reviews and I haven't received my confirmation email yet, it still gives me something to look forward to. Somebody is paying attention to my resumé.
The best part of my day was that i got to see Keri and Matthew today. OF course, I got there late, should have called her to let her know I was going to be late and when I got there, the big bag that was holding all of Matt's Birthday and Christmas presents broke open and they fell in a little bit of a puddle.
Still, all in all, I had a great day.
He pulled my hair hard, I got to hug him and he held his arms up to me to be picked up, I got kiss him and smell him, to watch him open his presents and to be his father for a few hours. I apologized to Keri in her kitchen and gave her a hug, only to feel a half hearted return. I miss the days of her whole heart in her hugs. Her hair smelled wonderful, like it always did. I wanted to kiss her, but I just can't risk that sort of thing until I can be sure of it.
To top it off, I got the best Christmas present ever.
I've whined about how I've missed a whole slew of my son's firsts. His first steps, his first words, his first swim, plane ride, a whole bunch of stuff that I was just too much of a jackass to open my fucking eyes and be less interested in myself about to experience.
Keri gave me Matt's first crayon drawing.
I can make it all better, I can have my family back with a lot of hard work, if she can give me something like that which means so very much to me.

I'm glad he's my son and she's his mother. I love them both.

I got lost on the way home. I'm not sure if I couldn't find the highway, or if I was grinning too much.

Boxing Day, not just for Canadians Anymore!

Not being Canadian, Australian (no offense Matt), English or a Kiwi (I think that's the slang for a New Zealander). I've got a vague idea of what the hell boxing day is.
If I'm correct, it's a holiday that kin of reverses the roles in a society where the rich people give the poor a gift.
I know that sounds vague, but that's the best summation of Boxing day that I can offer, having just read the origins a few minutes ago.

I'm looking around my apartment, having just come from an interview with a security company in Rhode Island, and surveying the damage.

Riley's out with her Grammie who hasn't seen her in a few weeks, and I'm just numb. Christmas was sort of a bust for me. The kids made out well from all reports, and having asked Riley directly, she'd only missed out on one gift that she'd wanted for Christmas this year. A cat.

Yuck. I dislike cats. Luckily, I'm saved by the fact that my landlord will not allow pets in this apartment of that size. Rye's got a mouse, had a fish, and also had a hermit crab. She's under the impression that the fish is having a sleepover with at one of her cousin's house, and after talking to her last night, she knows that the crab is long gone.

After explaining to her that we just can't have a cat or a dog in this house, she was willing to compromise on a crab. She'd actually wiped her eyes and asked me outright, which I was very proud of. It showed a lot of emotional maturity on her part and its something that I lack when I get heavily invested in something as it unfolds in front of me.

Matt, according to the conversation that I'd had with Keri last night, got tons of cars and trucks appropriate for a boy his age. He'd also gotten a Fisher Price, Learn to play Baseball set, which I think every little boy his age should get. Some books for Keri and clothes, and I think Matt got a few other things for his Christmas, which escape me right now.

As for yours truly, I got a new set of Joe Boxer sleepwear (just some fleece pants and a matching long sleeve tee shirt. Which I LOVE!), the American Christmas staple of a package of brand new tube socks, and Twenty Five dollars. The 25 dollars kind of upset me. It was given to me by a woman who has more or less been the only constant and positive mother figure in my life for the past eighteen or so years. She's been sick lately, and had to go to the Emergency Room for respiratory troubles and it kind of hurts me that she would give me 25 dollars, knowing that she's financially strapped for cash as much as me, and she could use the money even more for antibiotics or something to help her get well. She wouldn't take it back. No matter how adamant I was about the whole thing. It stung. I just kept picturing getting a call because she'd passed on from not having 25 dollars to buy Thera Flu, or something that would have helped her breathe a bit better. Kind of reminiscent of Jim Henson dying because of not taking a common aspirin.

The interview went as well as could be expected and I have another, separate interview next Wednesday with a residential treatment facility for boys with severe emotional issues. I think that an environment like this would only make me a better human being, one that has a lot more to offer society than some out of work guy who applies to every job under the sun and gets rejected all day, so he decides to blog about it.
Anyway, the upside to the residential job is that it's nearby, responsible, and looks like a great long term opportunity.
The security job is more or less a civilian version of my job in the military and I'm sure that I could not only make that work, but also excel at it.

I recently read one of those spam emails that I usually get in my IN box. This one was about my future in the next year. It said that certain planets were coming into alignment, in order to create focus for my long term goals, as my life seems fuzzy and out of focus right now. It describe the planets' alignment as creating an effect something akin to an Autofocus Lens for me and my long term goals for my future.
I didn't get my Christmas wishes, but maybe my patience just needs to hold out a bit longer? They say that everything happens in God's time, so maybe I just need to sync up my watch or something.

Given the events of Christmas and today's interview, I'm beginning to wonder if somehow Boxing Day has some effect on me and my life here in America, a country that only puts it on their calendars to sell overseas?

I hope everyone has had a great holiday and that next year brings everyone one step closer to the things in life that they're looking for.

One Lump, or Several?

I can't remember the last time that I'd had a good night's sleep.
By good, I'm referring to sleeping a whole night through, not waking in the middle of it and fighting to return to sleep, or waking at three in the morning and never being able to get to sleep until I collapse the following night.
I tend to worry a lot.
Trapped in my own head, I get very anxious and nervous about anything and everything in my life that appears to be a problem to me that can snowball into a bigger problem.

Recently, the car that I'd been driving just died on me. It's been overheating and causing me to pull over and wait for it to cool down, just long enough to get driving again and have it repeat the process. I believe that it may either be a warped head, allowing air to get into to cooling system, or a blown head gasket doing the same.
In either case, the result would cost more than the car is worth.
I've already had to pour money into it that I just couldn't afford, putting off paying bills that need to be paid, and on one occasion, paying my rent late.

A few hundred dollars for new rear brake lines. A must for any automobile owner who prefers stopping to the alternative method of either hitting something soft, or cutting holes in the floor and stopping a la Bedrock. Another hundred and a half for tires to replace the ones that were balding, constantly losing air pressure and either going completely flat, or showing steel tread in a very dangerous fashion. A new thermostat, a pressure relief fitting for the top of the radiator line, oil, antifreeze, transmission fluid, and last but not least, a bottle of brake fluid.

I'd hoped that this car would last me long enough to overcome the unemployment and get a new job, helping me to save some money and buy not necessarily a new car, but a car in better shape than this one.

I have to go to a 'buy here, pay here' style dealership. See if I can't put down a hundred dollars of this month's rent money, and drive off of the lot with a car today.
If I can, I'll replace what's taken out with the money that unemployment will automatically deposit into my account after I've registered over the telephone and let them know that I'm still unemployed.

In Leadership and Organizational Theory, this is referred to as a Utilitarian Lifestyle. One that solves the problems of today, just barely getting by, only to see what the next day holds and solve those problems when they arrive.

It makes me feel like a noose is constantly around my neck and getting tighter.
My chest is always tight now. I can feel the fact that I have a cold and that there's phlegm in my respiratory system.
I'd love to go and see a doctor, but I haven't received my card from the State yet that entitles me to free health care. More than a doctor's visit, I'd like to be employed right now. A steady paycheck would afford me a little piece of mind and some wiggle room to plan any sort of rebound from this unemployed excursion.

Whining about it isn't going to do any good.
I have to put on a brave face and keep my fingers crossed when going to the dealership today. I need a car to not only get my daughter to her mother's house, but also to have for potential job interviews, getting to the grocery store and a whole host of things that the public transportation system just won't allow for.

On top of all of this, my son went and got his first Christmas tree yesterday.
I wasn't there.
IT wouldn't have hurt so much, if I knew that I could have returned home and seen the tree and his mother at the end of the day, but that's just not going to work.
She hates me so much that she implies to people in her own blog that she's engaged by telling them that she has a big rock on her finger already, tells people about all of the words that he's saying and leaves out 'Dah Dah' from his reported vocabulary, and seems to constantly be upset with me no matter what it is that I try to do.

Good example; I'm told that I don't love my son, that I'm not a part of his life as much as I should be. She lives to the North East of Boston and I live on the South Coast. I call as much as I can, but a lot of my phone calls go ignored or unanswered.
It's obvious that I'm being punished and tortured, that's not to say that I'm crying poor me. It's just that I realize it, and have to weather it out and take my lumps like a man. I've very plainly done some serious things that have wounded her so much, that she feels the need to make me hurt as much, if not more, than she does.

It's odd. I'm told that she's at a knitting group, that she's going out with her friends, one of which I'm VERY insecure about because they've dated in the past, he cheats on his wife, and is rich. They also share common interests and talk and email. A lot.
I accept it all with a huge grain of salt. It's another lump I have to take, but it hurts and I need to make it known that it does.
Yet, when I mention my friends, one of which is a girl, there's jealousy and more infliction of pain and anger.
The day that my son got his first Christmas tree, I was supposed to visit him and give him his birthday present, which I could have given him on his birthday, but there was a huge miscommunication between me and his mother and it didn't work out.
But the day that I was supposed to come up and visit, I'd let her know that I couldn't because of the car and lack of other transportation and she'd let me know that they were going out for a Christmas tree.
Which is commonly an all day, or most of the day event.
Leads me to think that I was never wanted there in the first place and that there was never really any interest in me going to see him at all.

I'm getting conflicting readings over the whole situation.
I see that she's angry and that I've hurt her. Yet, there are times where she seems to want me in her life, and others where she wants nothing to do with me.
I understand that there's angry blood between us, I just wish that she could decide if it was going to move forward, or not move at all. It's rough because I really do love her. She's a great woman. Smart, beautiful and definitely someone that I could see being a better person for and with. I just hurt a lot over the stupidity that I've caused for myself out of selfishness and anger.

I've made two Christmas wishes this year.
One was for a job that I could sink my teeth into and make a life out of. The other was to have her back in my life forever as my partner and significant other.


Here's to hoping good things happen today.